Poems Along the Way
by Rachel Baumgartner
Editor's Note: This series of ten poems by Rachel are written from the perspective of a survivor of a rare form of cancer called Askin's tumor. Rachel was diagnosed with Askin's in 1998. There is a brief, introductory comment before each poem to give you some idea of what was happening in her life around the time she wrote the poem. Many readers will immediately relate to the issues, feelings and emotions that she is dealing within this selection of poems that she is sharing with us.
June 1, 2006: Control was written right after I had my 2 year remission anniversary.
Control
Cancer was a full out war
Inside my body
I could not control
What happened
No matter what I did
It was terrifying
Made me feel like
A helpless baby
I could not see
What was happening
But I could control
My hopes and dreams
I could control
My attitude.
January 21, 2006: I Know the Routines was written about a year and a half after my miraculous surgery.
I KNOW THE ROUTINES
I know the routines
Too well
I could do them
In my deepest sleep
And probably have
"Hold out and straighten"
The arm
For B.P. or I.V.
Blood pressure or intravenous,
That is.
"Lay on your back"
For inspections
Of heart, lungs
To stomach activity
And beyond
"Open your mouth wide"
To check on mouth sores,
Thrush, temperature
Or other
"Hold out your finger or toe"
For oxygen levels or
A finger prick
"‘You will feel sleepy"
As the anesthesia kicks in
Or the Benadryl suffocates
"Hold still"
When some part of me
Is violated and foreign objects
Are shoved inward
"Undress from the [insert part] down or up"
So I can be inspected
Or sampled or helped
I know them
Too well.
June 20, 2005: Run Away was written about one year after my miraculous surgery.
Run Away
I want to run away
Yet nowhere
Is quite far enough
Because everywhere
I go
There is my body
The thing
That frightens me
The most.
April 26, 2005: Stronger was written a year after my amazing miraculous surgery to remove the tumor between my heart, lung and spine.
Stronger
The cancer seems gone
Medically anyways
Yet in so many ways
It is not
The remnants will remain
Forever within
My skeleton, mind and beyond
Affecting all I do
From the day it invaded
For good or for bad
It has made its mark
Permanently in time
Cancer remains influential
But I remain stronger
November 11, 2004: Scars was written about 6 months after my big miraculous surgery.
SCARS
Scars all over my body
To remind me of my battles
Scars all over my mind
To remember all the trauma
Scars all over my heart
To feel the losses
Scars all over
Healing along the way
But never disappearing.
May 10, 2004: Waiting Out was written nine days before the tumor between my heart, lung and spine was removed.
WAITING OUT
Days spent in the confines
Of a building
Sometimes my house
Other times the hospital
Challenged by the cancer
Dwelling in me
No strength to get out
Forced to lie back down
Waiting out a better day
When I can go out
And play.
November 6, 2003: Waves of Pain was written a year after finding out I had what was thought to be an inoperable tumor between my heart, lung and spine. It would be another 6 months before a surgeon would agree to take it out.
WAVES OF PAIN
Waves upon waves of pain
From my back and out my arm
Like a faucet dripping
It just keeps draining
But the pain never runs out
It can sometimes be paused
Like a videotape in a VCR
But eventually it starts again
It cannot be held back forever
So it keeps running
And scaring the life out of me
PLEASE run out of pain…
September 15, 2003: Hair Care was written when I got chemotherapy a third time for the third time I had cancer.
HAIR CARE
I must remind myself
I am beautiful
Hair or no hair
It does not change me
It cannot alter me
I am in control
I need to
Believe in myself
Know it does not matter
But still
It hurts
I stand out now
Screaming to the world
‘I have cancer’
‘I am sick’
April 14th, 2003: Have You Ever Felt Death was written 4 months after being told I had Askin’s Tumor for a third time-this time between my heart, lung and spine and expected to have weeks to live.
Have You Ever Felt Death?
Have you ever felt death?
At the ripe age of 20?
Trying to climb on your back
Clawing at your skull
Stepping on the backs of your shoes
Pounding on your chest
Suffocating your lungs
Wrapping your face in
I hope not
I thoroughly despise it
But if so
You must keep going
Hitting it off
Fighting it back
Yelling at it
Pushing it away
Bringing out all your weapons
Brushing it off
Then you will not feel it
So much
April 3, 2003: Radiation Revisited was written four months after the third time with Askin’s tumor while doing radiation again like I had done during my first diagnosis.
RADIATION REVISITED
This week brought me back to that place
Almost 4 years ago I had known it well
A daily routine spanned over six weeks
Then, a girl of sixteen yet so much wiser
My last bit of hair banded into petite pigtails
Keeping my head up and eyes straight ahead
Overlooking the elderly outnumbering me all to one
And shocked eyes following every movement
They seemed to think out loud
Disbelief and denial creeping in
Will she put on a gown or her mother?
Ignoring the obvious absence of hair
I would return clothed in the temporary apparel
How lucky some felt to know long healthy years
Silently I knew I had prevailed
Aware I had stirred the stale air
After visiting the special room
For minutes lesser than a power nap
I would transform back into the teenager
Only until I returned the next day
Shutting that door after 6 weeks.
Now I was back at that place
Even on the elevator I smelled it
The haunting familiar smell of times ago
A chilling revelation that I was back again
Partly by choice, partly by need
The basement hallway before me
The doorway on the left after the indoor pool
The same face greeted me
A different hairstyle-updated, I guess
It was out of place to be back
The ungreased stiff door reopening
A flashback in reality and not in mind
I headed towards the dressing rooms again
A memory awakened from deep within
A natural instinct to grab a folded gown
From the back shelf and then into a stall
I straightened the curtain and took a deep breath
After removing my red t-shirt of more recent times
I draped the scratchy gown around me
Finding the cheap ribbons immediately
I hesitated and looked in the mirror
I suddenly had to step closer
Was I really seeing that
Or were my tired eyes tricking me?
A woman with hair-for once
I saw very deep, glossy eyes
Someone could easily get lost
I had a realization
I truly have grown up
The radiation would be treating a woman now
Her deep eyes still puzzling me
The reflection stirring the still air
The wisdom within them intimidating
Begging me to keep going
Closing Note: You can read more about Rachel's journey with sarcoma by clicking here.
Control Copyright © 2006 Rachel Baumgartner
I Know the Routines Copyright © 2006 Rachel Baumgartner
Run Away Copyright © 2005 Rachel Baumgartner
Stronger Copyright © 2005 Rachel Baumgartner
Scars Copyright © 2004 Rachel Baumgartner
Waiting Out Copyright © 2004 Rachel Baumgartner
Waves of Pain Copyright © 2003 Rachel Baumgartner
Hair Care © Copyright 2003 Rachel Baumgartner
Have You Ever Felt Death Copyright © 2003 Rachel Baumgartner
Radiation Revisited Copyright © 2003 Rachel Baumgartner