Heaven and Hell
April Brenneman is the mother of five children, including 7 year old Josh, a Ewing’s sarcoma survivor who lives with a tracheotomy, g-tube feeds for extra nutrition and daily thyroid medicine as a side-effect of the radiation he received.
I know what hell is like...and I've seen glimpses of heaven too...
Hell is watching your child suffer terribly and NOT being able to do anything about it. Hell is hearing the words "round blue cell and sarcoma" in the same sentence with your 4 year old son's name. It's pale, skinny, baldheaded children with little energy trying to play in the waiting room of a pediatric oncology clinic. Hell is hearing all about the damaging side effects of chemotherapy and radiation, both long and short term, from the doctors and knowing you have no choice. It's wanting to pick your baby up and run...but where? To whom? It's not being able to watch that first dose of toxins being pumped into your baby’s body. Hell is holding your screaming child down for needle pokes and IVs. It's fighting insurance companies for every penny and mixed up communication with hospital staff and children with feeding tubes and yellow plastic tubs for vomiting. It's crying for eight months straight and knowing your life and your child's life will never be the same. It's finishing treatment, and then grieving the damage done to your little boy's body, but being grateful he is alive. Hell is watching some of the other childhood cancer children around you die and being thankful it isn't your child...yet grieving the loss deeply...and feeling guilty....
I've seen glimpses of heaven too...
Heaven is the love and care poured out by neighbors, friends, strangers, the church and the community so much so it could never be repaid. Heaven is a kind shoulder to cry on, ears that are listening, hands that show up to grocery shop or clean the house or drop off a meal or drive your other children somewhere. It's people coming together creating fundraisers to help with medical costs and foundations created through loss that help pay the bills. Heaven is free family camps, doctors who cry when a child they’ve treated dies and nurses with a gentle touch. It’s that special childlife worker who goes out of her way to help your son make a Spider Man costume. It's the smile on your son’s face when he's given a toy even though he's too sick to play with it. It's the chemo pals and the art therapists and all the children and their families who show up for the "end of chemo" party! Heaven is the people who encourage your child to dream big, and then actually make that dream come true! Heaven is the love that is shown to a suffering child and his family over and over again, day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year....